I’ve been awfully sad lately and quite frankly, a pain to be around. I was so sure we finally got pregnant this month. So sure, that I did something I never do – look up the actual do date and dream about meeting our little one. It was July 22nd! The day my best friend and sister came into the world! How perfect I thought! How sweet of the Lord! How wonderful that we can tell both our parents together at Thanksgiving this year! I couldn’t wait to prove to Greg that all the things I was feeling were actually true. Until they weren’t. And it was just another month of cramping and hormones, and extreme fatigue and all the fun of a perceived pregnancy without an actual baby. I’ve wanted to get pregnant again since Abbie was born. I loved being pregnant. I missed her little kicks as soon as she came out. I wanted so badly for her to have a best friend like I did growing up. Being 15 months apart from my sister was such a fun experience – obviously I didn’t know any other way but looking at my friends and their siblings 2 or 3 years apart, I knew I never wanted that for my kids. Every single month is hard to see go by, first with no period (and yet people still feel the need to remind you that you can still get pregnant without a period! I did! they say…) and then weird periods that come and go and yet still manage to come reminding you how very infertile you are. You cope with all the talk of people getting pregnant the first time they tried or worse, the ever so common we weren’t even trying! talk. It’s like a dagger into your heart every time as you painfully muster up a smile and a congratulations. I saw the same pain in some of our friends eyes when we announced our first pregnancy. I hate that this is such a hard part of life. Such a sensitive subject yet something that is so often joked about.
I know our family isn’t complete yet and I know that even if we aren’t able to have another ourselves, we can’t wait to adopt or at the very least be a foster parent to those in need. Gotta say, the idea of not going through labor again is quite appealing ; ) Abbie has shown me something I never knew – I absolutely love children! They are such a treasure and gift and SO important to our culture and society. And although it is hard to wait and see the months ticking by with no hope in sight, I know that I can always curl up in my Daddy’s arms and have a good cry while He reminds me that He has it all under control. So our family won’t be like mine growing up. It’s unique and beautiful and full of love and that is enough. And when I’m finished with that good cry, He gave me the most wonderful husband that I know hurts every time that little glimmer of hope gets smashed, but is still willing to take me in his arms and remind me that it’s all going to be alright, bring me a glass of wine, cook me a delicious dinner and let me shamelessly weep to my favorite chick flick. I am a blessed woman. And little baby, wherever you are and whenever you come, we can’t wait to meet you!